David Letterman at his desk introducing stupid human tricks

We’re all capable of doing stupid stuff in our home countries, so what makes us think that we’ll be immune from that problem when we’re abroad? Certainly it makes sense to endeavor to avoid the most costly and potentially painful miscues, but lighten up, Francis – shit happens.

Just make sure it’s not the really bad stuff.

We’ve Been There Before

I came close in Africa back in 2016. One day as we traversed South Africa, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Botswana and Namibia (one of them twice), we went through customs and immigration again and again and again. In the small customs building at the border of Zimbabwe, I went to take a photograph of a picture of Prime Minister Robert Mugabe, a dictator accused of crimes against humanity. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt two large hands on my shoulders. I turned, and it was immediately clear that following through on the snapshot would have dire consequences. I refrained. Given the rough shape of their “welcome” building, I really did not want to see the inside of one of their jails.

It Has Happened to Our Friends

Once, coming home from Mexico, Hanna and I got to the baggage claim area after customs and waited for one of our traveling companions for 30 minutes. We called, texted, and got no response. It turns out that he had been in China several months earlier, and upon returning home could not find his passport, so he reported it missing and had it replaced. Somehow, he still had them both, and grabbed the canceled passport before our trip. It got him into Mexico, but heading back to the US he was detained and interrogated for allegedly using a lost or stolen passport. Eventually he talked his way back into the country, but otherwise he might have ended up like Tom Hanks in “The Terminal.”

Here in DC, we’re lucky to have two major airports nearby and another not all that far away, just south of Baltimore. Unfortunately, that can lead to some confusion — a couple we know showed up at the airport in plenty of time for their flight, but not with enough time to switch airports when they realized they’d assumed they were leaving from the wrong one. They ate the change fees and flew out a day later.

Even the Pros Make Mistakes

If you want to hear one even worse than that, I know a professional angler who was staying at a friend’s house before taking an international trip and planned to leave his boat there while he was gone. On the departure date, he woke up late, threw some stuff in a bag and hauled ass to the airport. His luggage made it to the destination country, but when he got back it never showed up. Only when he returned to his friend’s house did he realize that it had contained his personal firearm. Somehow the foreign government didn’t haul him into a third world jail, but he never got his stuff back – and now he’s afraid to go back, in case there’s still some sort of warrant out for him.

Darwin Award Winning Links

That’s just the warm-up, though. Here are links to some Darwin Award winners with stories of their flawed trips:

Alleged Threesome Led To 60-Person Brawl On Carnival Cruise, Passenger Says — This gives new meaning to “going down with the ship.”
US tourist survives fall into Mount Vesuvius after reaching for phone — Lava’s a helluva drug.
Woman Falls Head-First Into Pit Toilet Retrieving Her Phone and Calls 911 to Get Out — Worse than falling into Mount Vesuvius, any ay you measure it.
The 7 Deadly Sins of Being an American Tourist Overseas — “Don’t walk around Paris wearing Crocs and a neon t-shirt” – I guess that means I have to take it off my list.
What’s with all the bison attacks lately? — “I think that three in a row, that’s just a coincidence, but we see it every year,” says Jared Beaver, a wildlife management specialist and assistant professor in Montana State University’s Department of Animal and Range Sciences.
Dad leaps to his death as family films him jumping off cliff in Spain — “The ill-fated daredevil took the plunge off the majestic cliff, but seemingly realized his leap wasn’t going to clear the sharp, jagged rocks below that he viciously clipped before crashing into the water while letting out a terrifying scream.”
Man Rescued Near Yosemite After Attempting to Investigate Case of Lost Family — “It is hard not to be angry about this particular rescue mission,” Mariposa County Sheriff Jeremy Briese said.
Florida Man Attacked and Killed by an Alligator While Collecting Frisbees in a Public Lake — “It appears that he went in before the park opened—unfortunately not a good time to be in any lake, but especially during alligator mating season,” Cozzie told the Times.
Tourist Gets Way too Close to Moose For Selfie—and Is Lucky He Wasn’t Stomped — “If an animal is reacting to you, you are too close. For moose and bears, keep back at least 120 feet. That’s more than two school bus lengths.”
Idaho Man Banned from Yellowstone After Cooking Chicken in Hot Spring — No word on whether it was original or extra crispy.
Vacations gone wrong: 6 stories of epic travel fails — “Honestly, you get a better travel story out of a bad time than a good one. No one wants to hear ‘everything went perfect, we had a great time!’ They want the blooper reel.”