The Perils, Pitfalls and Proper Processes of Peeing Off a Boat
The biggest disappointment of turning 50 was not that I needed to get reading glasses. It was not the recommended colonoscopy. It was not the gag gifts of Geritol.
What bothered me most was that I can no longer pee quite as far as in the past. When I was 20, I could shoot a stream across a six-lane highway and write my name in cursive in a snowbank. Now? Well, let’s just say that short range is more my speed.
Of course, I’m writing about this with a bit of snark, but it’s not an entirely irrelevant topic. In order to stay hydrated during a long day on the water, you need to drink a lot of water. If you drink a lot of water, at some point you’re going to need to get rid of it. If you drink and don’t have to pee, you’re likely in danger of dehydration. But emptying your bladder off of a boat may present certain concerns or issues. Here are some thoughts on the matter:
A Disclaimer
All of the information here pertains to how, where and why dudes should piss. I’m a dude. It’s my frame of reference. If you’re an “innie” instead of an “outtie” you’ll have to come up with your own strategies and solutions. Sorry.
Safety Concerns
All of us have been peeing since we were born. It’s a natural part of life. So how can it possibly be a safety hazard? Well, if you have your pants down, or your rain bibs in an awkward position, and you’re holding your junk, you’re not in the best possible position to brace yourself when a big wave or gust of wind pushes through.
Don’t believe me, or think it’s a wives’ tale? Here are a few links that support the theory:
Man drowns after falling into Loch Ness ‘while taking a pee from boat’
British tourist dies after falling into Amsterdam canal while urinating (Note: he wasn’t even on a boat. He was on the bank.)
Of course, many if not most of these types of accidents are brought on my alcohol abuse, but even if you’re stone cold sober if you have any balance concerns you’ll need to take extra precautions to make sure the authorities don’t discover you dead, holding your lifeless worm.
Bass Boats
Remember the phrase “Don’t piss into the wind?” Turns out that the originator knew of what he spoke. If you try to pee directly into it, without a superhuman amount of velocity it’s going to come flying back at you.
Even if your urine doesn’t hit you, it might end up hitting the boat. Not a huge deal from a maintenance perspective because it’s almost entirely water, but kind of gross nonetheless. Early in my tournament career as a co-angler, I remember my partner falling short of the water with his stream. When we took off toward the next spot, and there was a little bit of spray, I knew it was his, but had to keep telling myself that it was water from the lake. Of course, since we (along with thousands of others) had peed in that lake countless times, that wasn’t all that much better.
Take your time, get positioned, give it your best shot. I often wait until after I’ve taken a long ride, which tends to get things stirred up and primed.
If you still have concerns, bring something to pee in. One of my Bassmaster Classic boat drivers brought a big Folgers Coffee container for that purpose. Fill it up, throw it out. Rinse, lather, repeat. You can also use the livewells – just be sure to flush them out later.
Big Boats
Just because you’re on a larger craft doesn’t necessarily make things easier or more hygienic. On the big sportfishermen at Casa Vieja Lodge, like the 40’ Finest Kind, there’s a head in the cabin with a flush toilet. Makes things easy, right? Well, sort of. You have something to aim for, but if you’re in bucking waves, or the boat is moving at full speed, it may seem like a moving target. If you’re not careful, you may end up “painting the walls.” I try to brace my shoulder against the wall in order to keep everything lined up properly.
On the center consoles in Panama, there is no head, so we walk to the stern, hop over the tuna tubes and pee off the back. Again, bracing yourself is critical, particularly in rough or semi-rough seas. I try to hold one side of myself against an outboard (which may be turning at times, so be extra careful) and the other side against the boat’s transom. On boats with twin outboards, you can “suspend” between the two and let fly.
Stage Fright
One other problem that some men experience, and which seems to get worse as we age, is “stage fright.” The pressure is there, the will to evacuate is there, but starting up can be delayed. I’m sure this happens for a variety of reasons.
At the 2004 Bassmaster Classic on Lake Wylie, I spent Day One in the boat of Aaron Martens. He was fishing under the Buster Boyd Bridge, with 50 to 100 spectators up there nearly the entire day. It was a summertime Classic which led me to drink a lot, which made sense until the pressure built. When he was off to the side of the bridge, we had an audience. I had to wait until the rare times when he went underneath, right next to a piling, and get after it. The timing wasn’t always perfect, but I had to go so I did the best I could. Obviously, you don’t want to be accused of exposing yourself inappropriately, and you don’t want to end up in a tournament gallery with your willy flopping around. Make the best of a tough situation.
